When I Tumble When I Fall

I am decorating : it is extremely obviously to me while clinging to a ladder with paint splashing in my eyes, why some women insist on dating ordinary men. God knows what they do with them for the rest of the time but when I woman sets her sights on renovations she needs to be either very wealthy or  shagging a builder.

In the past two years I have 'dated' (if that's what they call it these days) men with the following occupations.

1. bond trader
2. psychiatric nurse (who should have really been a psychiatric patient)
3. barrister (and total twat)
4. unemployed fashion student


I see where I have been going wrong ..

Dark Shadows

Oh it would appear that there is a God after all. It may be that there are quite a few. One of them is Tim Burton, another is Johnny Depp and they have put together yet another incredible film, watch the trailer, it looks hilarious.

The Harvest Moon

The flame-red moon, the harvest moon, 
 


Rolls along the hills, gently bouncing,

A vast balloon, 


Till it takes off, and sinks upward 


To lie on the bottom of the sky, like a gold doubloon. 


The harvest moon has come

Booming softly through heaven, like a bassoon. 


And the earth replies all night, like a deep drum.

So people can't sleep,

So they go out where elms and oak trees keep 

A kneeling vigil,in a religious hush.

The harvest moon has come!

Ted Hughes

Flowers From The Dead To The Living

I love the smell of Hyacinths. I read today that Hyacinths were made by the Greek God Apollo from the blood of a beautiful boy who was slain by Zepyhrus God of the West Wind in order that his soul should not be sent to Hades.

The Maze

On the subject of eery depressing photography which I have a passion, for I am reminded of how much I love Magnum photographer Donavan Wylie's award wining study of the former Maze Prison in Northern Island. Also known as Long Kesh designed around infamous H-Blocks the prison was built specifically for the internment of IRA prisoners when the British government decided to repeal the laws against imprisoning people without charge in the 1970's.

All These Wounded Boys You Lie Beside ....

Goodnight my friend Goodnight.

Earlier I was talking about sleeping with younger men to Richard. I started to sleep with someone 15 years younger than me last year and I was amazed at the amount of sexual energy he had. I forgot that it was possible to have that kind of sex sober. Of course that alone was enough for me to swear never to have sex with anyone my own age again but something else came to light along the way. One of the things that has been let's say problematic for me ( think slashed wrists, drug overdoses, relapse etc) has been coping with intimacy and disappointment within the realm of sexual and romantic love.

The first part of a relationship is always my favourite, attraction, seduction and all the exciting stuff that goes with it. If I have sex with a man I like a couple of times (and it is any good) I tend to feel waves of love (some may call it lust)  and a deepening attraction to him, the extent to which I feel this is directly related to the quality of the sex. This is where it all starts to go horribly wrong.

These feelings of sexual love and attraction spark off a drowning feeling which triggers an uncontrollable anxious reaction in me. I feel at once claustrophobic and utterly desperate for the constant attention and approval of the object of my desire.

The advantage I noticed when this happened with a man much younger than me was even my dickmatised mind heard alarm bells rather than oft confused wedding bells. As I lay on the floor sobbing I knew I was just re-experiencing my own darkness. I knew it was nothing to do with them.

Real Life True Blood Drama

I am so excited, David Farrant is speaking at tomorrows The Moot With No Name . I used to be a tour guide at Highgate Cemetary and David Farrant was not someone we were even allowed to discuss. A mass desecration of graves and human remains took place one night in the 70's in the name of a 'vampire hunt'. Somehow David seemed to get the blame for this event. He was caught on more than one occasion practicing some kind of Wiccan ceremonies in the grave yard and was even sent to jail, I think for interfering with a dead body. Anyway can't wait to hear what he has to say about it all. I am just happy that everything is back to normal.

JD Kelleher MTV News Tribute to Amy Winehouse July 2011

The above You Tube video is actually of my friend JD being caught on film outside the Winehouse residence following news of her death on Sunday. JD is the man who bought me Stella puppy, he is a most generous and loving freind to me. He is also a total ho, when he heard of Amy's death, knowing there would be cameras he topped up his spray tan, dressed indecently (they are filming chest up thankfully) and burnt rubber to Camden. The thing is , what he says and how he says it is absolute genius. I can only guess he practically threw himself at the camera man but he handles his moment on live TV brilliantly.  

Beauty without cruelty

I had an emergency Botox appointment yesterday. The Miami sunshine melted the last chemicals out of my head and before I knew it my face was totally mobile. Botox is Gods gift to women but actually having your face injected is not the most comfortable feeling in the world. My Dr has always used pain reducing gell and a spot freezing device but commited to the comfort of his patients he has now incorporated the use of a vibrator into the proceedings. He doesn't just hand it over and tell you 'this will take your mind of it'. His assistant presses it against your collar bone while he injects your face. The idea is that the vibrations send signals to your brain that over ride the pain signals. As mad as it sounds it actually works. The first time he used it he pressed it against my jaw and told me 'Now don't go opening your mouth!'

The heat is back on

Richard is about to get a new job, Thank God. I need to get one too but Richard covers the luxuries in my life and you know they say ' give me the luxuries and you will find I can manage quite well without the essentials'.

Freedom Is A Double Edged Sword

I was thinking of Sebastian yesterday. He would have been alive this time last year. I was talking to Jo about some of the things he used to say about attraction,  love, sexuality and the suffocation of these energies that can often happen when we get into relationships. I wanted to say 'traditional relationships' but to be honest my experience is that even when you engage outside of these boundaries it is likely that you will experience similar issues. The advantage is of course that walking away is easier.

There goes the money ...

Richard just left his job. He emailed me. 'I quit - how are you? ' I am I like a Jewish housewife 'Ya Did Whaaaat Merve? ' Jesus there goes my little insurance policy. Still if anyone can throw himself out of a Park Avenue window and land on his feet its him.

Cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul

Dog wonder came home yesterday, I have mixed emotions (as ever) she is my loyalest supporter and a mightly pain in the neck at the same time. It had been brilliant to have a few weeks off all my obligations. No dog walks, no being hassled for food 24/7, no being woken up in the middle of the night to attend to her needs. Still I love my little flea bag and we have been together for 13 years now so worse case scenario its almost over.

We went on our favourite walk. Across Leicester Square, down Jermyn Street and into Green Park via a tunnel that runs behind the back of the Ritz Hotel.  The great thing about Chilli is that she is a real dog, many people who purchase very small breed dogs emasculate (the canine version I mean ) them by carrying them around in stupid bags and dressing them up. I would never abuse an animal in such a way personally I don't think that animals are animated accessories. My small dog has the heart of a Alsation, she can walk for miles, she fears nothing but shampoo, she will stand her ground against all comers.

I love Green Park, its a former plague pit and an area that used to be popular with highway men. We walk down the central path past the dog reservoir where they can drink then around the tip of the park and out onto Picadilly.

We cross Picadilly into Shepherds Market ( I could write a book about that area) and then wander through the back streets and on to Mount Street. This part of London reminds me of Paris, I adore it. We go past Lanvin whose designs I loathe, a real case of the Emperors new clothes I think. Past the perfumier Annick Goutal which I love. I have had a few perfumes from this store, its on my approved perfume list. I had one called Grand Amour which was fabulous and another wonderful one called Sur Soir Au Jamais  which means 'tonight or never' worth every penny for the name alone.

We walk past Scotts which I really like. My friend John takes me there sometimes, they do good fish and chips, very expensive but then its very hard to get good fish and chips in London, especially if you are used to Lancashire standards.

I picked up a box from out side a tobacco shop because the sign told me to. It feels very Alice In Wonderland (channelling Grace Slick) to follow the instructions.

I chose this really pretty one. On the back in says Hecho En Cuba, it doesn't really smell of cigars which is a shame I love the smell of cigars. We walked home across Berkeley Square and down Bruton Street and past the diamond shops on Old Bond Street. I don't ever want to be engaged or married again, I think wedding bands are like little handcuffs one on each person tying them together with invisible chains. I havn't been given much jewellery by men particularly but the thing is anytime the relationship ended I transferred the hatred into the rings and got rid of them.

I had a cute Tiffany Elsa Perreti silver and diamond  ring once. I was talking on the phone to a friend and she said 'I really want a Tiffany diamond'  so I posted it to her the next day. When I split from another man I went in the Catholic Church at Leicester Square, the one with the Jean Cocteau triptic. I used to pray there all the time (pray that he would fuck off) and when he finally did I put the engagement ring into the coin box by the statue of Mary and the wedding band into the coin box by the statue of Jesus. I would have given them both to Mary Magdalen had she had a collection box as she is my favourite Biblical character. Like a nun I have married myself to God.

Saying all that I wouldn't mind getting a Graff yellow diamond ring at some point.