Juste A' Temps

Thankfully I got to Laduree in time to buy a Cassis Mont Blanc, yet another special edition cake in celebration of the companies 150th anniversary this year. This is an extraordinary cake in that it is actually black. Biscuit base, pureed chestnuts and fresh cream then a stack of bitter juicy blackcurrant's encased in a blackcurrant chocolate tower with a meringue turret. Insanely good and unless you get there today - gone. Today is the last day for this cake. No-one brings down the guillotine like the French. Tomorrow another special edition confection is launched. I am very focused on Laduree at the moment I still have not got over missing the grapefruit and vanilla macaron. You snooze you loose.

All These Wounded Boys You Lie Beside ....

Goodnight my friend Goodnight.

Earlier I was talking about sleeping with younger men to Richard. I started to sleep with someone 15 years younger than me last year and I was amazed at the amount of sexual energy he had. I forgot that it was possible to have that kind of sex sober. Of course that alone was enough for me to swear never to have sex with anyone my own age again but something else came to light along the way. One of the things that has been let's say problematic for me ( think slashed wrists, drug overdoses, relapse etc) has been coping with intimacy and disappointment within the realm of sexual and romantic love.

The first part of a relationship is always my favourite, attraction, seduction and all the exciting stuff that goes with it. If I have sex with a man I like a couple of times (and it is any good) I tend to feel waves of love (some may call it lust)  and a deepening attraction to him, the extent to which I feel this is directly related to the quality of the sex. This is where it all starts to go horribly wrong.

These feelings of sexual love and attraction spark off a drowning feeling which triggers an uncontrollable anxious reaction in me. I feel at once claustrophobic and utterly desperate for the constant attention and approval of the object of my desire.

The advantage I noticed when this happened with a man much younger than me was even my dickmatised mind heard alarm bells rather than oft confused wedding bells. As I lay on the floor sobbing I knew I was just re-experiencing my own darkness. I knew it was nothing to do with them.

Who Is The Fairest Of Them All?

'So how is your obsidian mirror?' Asked Neil.
'It's not working, it's broken - I am taking it back'
'Have you consecrated it?'

I really hadn't thought of that, not consecrating the mirror is the magickal equivalent of buying a TV and not plugging it in. I will get busy on Saturday as it is a full moon and lunar eclipse.

Beauty Is The Best Revenge

I am wearing my new Parkinson top with a bright blue sling today.
It is beautiful.
I am beautiful.
Anything that isn't can fuck off.

Have your cake and eat it

I thought I would tell you about my pigeons. I live by Trafalgar Square so I am lucky enough to have lots of birds hanging around on my window sill. I love them and I feed them and nothing Boris Johnson says is going to stop me. The white one is my favourite since she is the most Dove like of them all. The Dove is a Christic symbol of the holy spirit and a pagan symbol of lust. Sex and God are very clearly connected in the old religions. The newer religious super powers have conspired to supress this knowledge by preaching that sex is sin (except on their terms) and propegating notions of God as some kind of heavenly judge that requires the sacrific of pleasure in this life in return for ever lasting love in the next world. 

How did I get to live near Trafalgar Square you may well ask. The answer is I wished it. One day I was sitting on the 24 bus outside this building and I saw that it was being redeveloped by a housing trust. I thought to myself how much I would like to live here. When I was little I used to stand staring at the bridge that runs across Villiers Street and pray that I would live there one day. Anyway I just looked out of the bus window and wanted with all my heart. 10 days later a letter came through my door asking me if I would like to transfer from the council flat I lived in to a housing association flat in the West End. I said Yes and they gave me the keys to flat I had been looking at.

I absolutely believe that we can all have exactly what we want if we simply want it enough and are willing to accept it.