Monday, 30 May 2011
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
I must confess at this juncture that I have actually been driven so insane by my own neurosis that I have had a reading at Mysteries. Years ago though, before I started to take responsibility for my feelings and before I embarked on the path to emotional solvency. It was a terrible reading and a waste of money that I didn't really have since that was part of the problems I was somehow hoping that the reading would solve.
Yesterday there was this truly pathetic woman standing by the till waiting for her reading. Her energy was revolting actually, countenence spineless, confusion and self pity emanated from her emaciated frame. As I waited in line (for 20 fucking minutes) I considered saving her £35 and offering her the benefit of my experience seen and unseen. I would have said this.
1. You are a woman and a universe of life and death resides within you
2. He is not coming back
3. Eat something
4. Remember who you are
5. Find God
6. Rise the fuck up
Monday, 16 May 2011
I thought I would up date you on some young peoples cultural codes. Tim tells me that when he and his friends are riding around on buses they spend the time checking out girls who get on the bus at the various stops. He told me that they listen out for the Oyster Card beep because (and who knew) the adult card beeps once and the child card beeps twice. He said when a cute girl of indescrimate age hops aboard they are all ears because they have an off limits policy on double beepers! How utterly responsible - it's hard to believe we are related at times.
Every Day Is Like Sunday used to play on the radio all the time. I used to sing it around the house to annoy the staff.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
serenity prayer at our meeting to Chilli. It was so sweet sometimes loss and sadness can feel isolating but I am lucky because I have so many friends that support me no matter what is going on. I do have a real sense of freedom today. I am learning that no matter what happens in life the best response is to accept what has happened, feel gratitude for the blessings of the situation, trust in God and move the fuck on.
Thursday, 12 May 2011
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
I was given Chilli 13 years ago. I had been to New York and seen fantastic little fawn Chihuahua in Puppies & Kittens on Lexington. I wanted one so badly and when I got home my boyfriend at the time got one for me.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Sunday, 8 May 2011
The vet shot the dog up with Morphine - she jerked when he put the syringe in and he slashed his hand with the needle. 'That should take the edge of your day' I laughed.
So we were talking about having our heads in heaven and our feet in hell and the process of asimilating our light and dark aspects, almost similar to a theraputic process infact. Freud was able to make useful analogies between human neurosis and demonic personalities so its not as far fetched as it might sound. Anyway it was brilliant and then we had a demonstration which was interesting. There was this really camp bit when the enochian calls of the Magician were interspersed by Chakka Khan singing I'm Every Woman blasting up from some Gay barbeque downstairs.
This evening I took the dog over to Baker Street for a slice of Bob's low GI fruit pie. She couldn't walk so I carried her as we sat on the tube I remembered a woman coming up to us in an AA meeting. She played with the dog and said 'DOG is GOD spelt backwards that dog is looking after you'. I was crying into her little head on the train because it's really true. My dog was given to me 13 years ago by a man I lived with at the time. I have been through some pretty challenging periods since then and she has always been with me. She got me out of bed when I was too depressed to wash. She gave me love and structure and introduced me to so many nice people. This little tiny dog has loved me everyday no matter what, she has always been there for me she is always pleased to see me. Over the last few years my life has got really good, I am not sad anymore, I learnt how to look after myself eventually, I am strong now, I am happy. I know she will go soon because I do not need her anymore.
Friday, 6 May 2011
Just got back from Laduree in Harrods I had one caramel macaroon, one blackcurrant and chocolate (ltd edition flavour) one lemon and one cherry and almond. To drink I had hot chocolate that comes in a little silver jug with a side bowl of chantilly cream. Basically a days calories in a tea cup.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
How did I get to live near Trafalgar Square you may well ask. The answer is I wished it. One day I was sitting on the 24 bus outside this building and I saw that it was being redeveloped by a housing trust. I thought to myself how much I would like to live here. When I was little I used to stand staring at the bridge that runs across Villiers Street and pray that I would live there one day. Anyway I just looked out of the bus window and wanted with all my heart. 10 days later a letter came through my door asking me if I would like to transfer from the council flat I lived in to a housing association flat in the West End. I said Yes and they gave me the keys to flat I had been looking at.
I absolutely believe that we can all have exactly what we want if we simply want it enough and are willing to accept it.
10 things I am grateful for today
Lunch with Charlie & Rachel at 2
Hair appointment at 4
God (inclusive of angels and demons)
My Vanessa Bruno jumper
Sense of humour (though its kind of flagging)
Prada later this evening
I woke feeling at the mercy of my moods this morning, not a good thing at all. Anxiety, despair, emptiness and intolerance the horsewomen of my personal apocalypse all saddled up and ready for battle. I awake already exhausted. In Miami where there was no structure I carved a gentle rhythm into my day. Here in London it feels like I am surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and organising my life around it feels overwhelming.
I need to find another job soon. I look at the employment websites and the jobs all sound absolutely hideous. I am hardly qualified to do any of them anyway. I wouldn’t want to if I was. I have never engaged with all that career stuff. I don’t much care about what I do or what you do, I am so much more interested in who we are. I need to earn a living though, I need to retain my independence somehow, so I feel forced to engage with the hostile environs of the situations vacant columns.
What I really want to do is finish the writing I started in Miami and sell it. I am not sure if it is even saleable but I do see so much rubbish published I don’t see why not. I find it so much harder to write in London but I am going to have to find the discipline. Spending an hour trawling through the Guardian Job Pages put me in such a bad mood yesterday. I am forced to draw on inner rather than outer resources. Jo was watching Eat Pray Love last night she sent me an email reminding me of the great line of the film ‘God dwells in me as me’ I’ll take that as a starting point then.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Hotel Chevalier which is well worth a watch. Anyway Hotel Bristol was something like 650 Euro's a night and we ordered tons of room service since Richards company (who he hated) was picking up the bill. I had a mozzerella salad and it cost 30 Euro's. How insane is that? One tomato, one ball of cheese, drizzle of pesto 30 Euro's. The salad I just ate cost about £2, the cheese was about 90p, the tomato £1.04 and the pesto I already had in the fridge. It's quiet a mark up nes pas?
Monday, 2 May 2011
Sunday, 1 May 2011
We walked to her place in Holland Park and then all the way back to Covent Garden in an attempt to burn of some of the calories. It was delicious though. Definately go next time you are in Westbourne Grove.