Thursday, 5 May 2011

God dwells in me as me

I woke feeling at the mercy of my moods this morning, not a good thing at all. Anxiety, despair, emptiness and intolerance the horsewomen of my personal apocalypse all saddled up and ready for battle.  I awake already exhausted. In Miami where there was no structure I carved a gentle rhythm into my day. Here in London it feels like I am surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and organising my life around it feels overwhelming.
I need to find another job soon. I look at the employment websites and the jobs all sound absolutely hideous. I am hardly qualified to do any of them anyway. I wouldn’t want to if I was. I have never engaged with all that career stuff. I don’t much care about what I do or what you do, I am so much more interested in who we are. I need to earn a living though, I need to retain my independence somehow, so I feel forced to engage with the hostile environs of the situations vacant columns.
What I really want to do is finish the writing I started in Miami and sell it. I am not sure if it is even saleable but I do see so much rubbish published I don’t see why not. I find it so much harder to write in London but I am going to have to find the discipline. Spending an hour trawling through the Guardian Job Pages put me in such a bad mood yesterday. I am forced to draw on inner rather than outer resources. Jo was watching Eat Pray Love last night she sent me an email reminding me of the great line of the film ‘God dwells in me as me’    I’ll take that as a starting point then.

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