Sunday, 29 January 2012

All These Wounded Boys You Lie Beside ....

Goodnight my friend Goodnight.

Earlier I was talking about sleeping with younger men to Richard. I started to sleep with someone 15 years younger than me last year and I was amazed at the amount of sexual energy he had. I forgot that it was possible to have that kind of sex sober. Of course that alone was enough for me to swear never to have sex with anyone my own age again but something else came to light along the way. One of the things that has been let's say problematic for me ( think slashed wrists, drug overdoses, relapse etc) has been coping with intimacy and disappointment within the realm of sexual and romantic love.

The first part of a relationship is always my favourite, attraction, seduction and all the exciting stuff that goes with it. If I have sex with a man I like a couple of times (and it is any good) I tend to feel waves of love (some may call it lust)  and a deepening attraction to him, the extent to which I feel this is directly related to the quality of the sex. This is where it all starts to go horribly wrong.

These feelings of sexual love and attraction spark off a drowning feeling which triggers an uncontrollable anxious reaction in me. I feel at once claustrophobic and utterly desperate for the constant attention and approval of the object of my desire.

The advantage I noticed when this happened with a man much younger than me was even my dickmatised mind heard alarm bells rather than oft confused wedding bells. As I lay on the floor sobbing I knew I was just re-experiencing my own darkness. I knew it was nothing to do with them.

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