I adore the might of your breath

We were celebrating the cross equinox this afternoon with a ritual called 'the feast of the cattle'. I walked along the river to Vauxhall. The river is dark and grey. I walk a shadowy path towards God. I embrace my darkness, it is as beautiful as my lightness. I am more accepting and less conflicted than ever before.

I have had a pretty blessed life so its easy enough for me to reflect back and see that really there are just the things that I did and the things that I didn't do. If I regret anything at all then it would be unkindness.

The ritual was sweet, we ate beltane cakes and drank wine, except I don't drink wine so I had orange. It was all about death and that it doesn't really matter because it's all above love.

They said the energy was of Taurus which I always feel is a rather dull sign but steadfast, determined and strong. On the up it is ruled by the planet Venus, love, harmony and peace in relationships (that would be a first). 

I went with Roy to river after the ritual, he always puts the flowers and the incense and any other concecrated things into the river, to maintain the energy. He emptied the flowers and all the little petals into The Thames reciting one of my favourite prayers.
Unity uttermost showed,
I adore the might of your breath,
Supreme and terrible God,
Who makest the Gods and death to tremble before thee.
I, I adore thee.

 

Isn't she lovely?

I just had to cut and paste this picture of Courtney from the What Courtney Wore Today (link on blog roll)
Amazing painterly qualities in this process. I would love to know who took it and with what but there is no infomation on the blog. Nice house as well and the cupcake diet really works for her.

Coffee morning

Chilli and I had our morning walk through St Giles and then into Soho. We sat outside Flat White on Berwick Street for a while watching the market.

They do this ultra clever thing with the coffee that makes a leaf print in the foam.

Thunder Perfect Mind

 

Do not hate my obedience and do not love my self-control.

In my weakness, do not forsake me, and do not be afraid of my power.

For why do you despise my fear and curse my pride?

But I am she who exists in all fears and strength in trembling.

I am she who is weak, and I am well in a pleasant place.

I am senseless and I am wise.

From the above titled poem  from The Nag Hammadi Library

Fuck Forever

The streets of London are teaming with millions of intellectual peasants. The line in Starbucks was extra slow as they stood in line clutching drooping union jack flags and ordering Frappacino's. Only the part of you that wants and deserves to die would order a drink like that. I have not turned the TV on, I don't watch TV anyway but nothing would make me put it on today. Well nothing short of a 9/11 scenario anyway.

I do not have a lot of time for notions of romantic love. Its seems to be to be a kind of emotional fossil fuel. Expensive, unsustainable and detrimental to the (mental) enviroment.

The Course In Miracles says that romantic love and special relationships are the Ego's biggest gun. Love everyone as God loves them. Unconditionally.

I got a bad desire

I went out to walk the dog and came home with a pair of golden ankle boots. I feel like I should feel guilty and irresponsible since I have just become unemployed. However I don't feel any fear at all. I feel really free and opitimistic today. My friend Jo always tells me about her favourite country & western artist, Tammy Whynot. 'Don't ask yourself Why. Ask yourself Why Not?' Genius.
It's a good idea if you suffer from anxiety to consider employing 'backers' to whome you can refer to for advice. A backer is a woman or man who you admire, you select a few of these people and then when faced with any dilema at all you go with what you think your backer would do in the same situation.
So questions like:
Should I buy it?
Should I fuck him?
Should I go?
Is it going to be OK?
Become much easier to answer.
My backers are Courtney Love, Pamela Anderson, Patti Smith, Isabella Blow and Lee Miller.
My answer is always YES

At the risk of sounding familiar

There is this super friendly cat in Pheonix Gardens where I walk my dog. He sits with the people who come there and even seems to want to play with the dogs. My dog looks a little side eyes at him when he comes close but then she has never been a friendly creature unless people have food.

He is a really emotionally open cat, quiet a rare thing.

The priests at St Giles apparently used to give a last drink to convicts being lead from New Gate prison towards the gallows at Marble Arch. The Tyburn gallows (used between the 12th and 18th century) stood at the junction of Oxford Street and Edgeware Road and was constructed so that it would be big enough to facilitate mass executions. The largest of which involved the simultaneous hanging of 23 men and 1 woman on 23rd June 1649.
Obscene.

Breakfast

Cantalope and Passion Fruit frozen yogurt from Snog. Hate that word but it stands for Snow & Yogurt which is prettier.

Passion Fruit is a good flavour, I normally just get the plain flavour, you know I used to think vanilla was a posh word for plain. Still plain, or 'classic' don't you hate the new corporate language we are forced to engage with for product types and sizings 'venti' etc .... The plain machine was being serviced anyway so the dog and I chose a different flavour instead.

Time stands still ...

I had a hair appointment yesterday, it seemed to take hours. I had to have my colour sorted out since lying on the beach in 80 degree heat is good for the soul but quiet tough on the hair. It took so long though, I felt so captive.

They did bring me endless cups of peppermint tea however, in very pretty glass cups.

Clean sheets

And a book on Satanic pacts, the perfect early night. I am not sure how I feel about Faustian Pacts persay. I am not totally against it. My prefered demons at this stage (if I had choose) would be Lucifuge Rofocale, Priminister of Hell, Belial King Of Hell and The Queen of Hell, Hecate. In fact given my track record with men she might be the best one to go with.  I might wait until I am a lot older before I give it a go. This would of course be an attempt at damage limitation re any unpleasant fall out.  The thing is that these kind of contracts tend to extend beyond this life anyway. Commitment issues ..........

Heavenly Husbands

No I have not taken leave of my senses. I have been reading an article called Heavenly Husbands written by a woman called Ida Craddock . She was a Victorian feminist who focused on sexual liberation for women. Ulitmatley she was persecuted, placed in a mental hospital and imprisoned for her endeavours. She committed suicide to avoid serving a 5 year prison sentence she was given when found guilty of distributing 'obscene literature' in the form of booklets that advised newly wed couples on how best to enjoy the sexual aspect of married life.

What was even more interesting was that much of what she knew about sex came from the teachings of an Angelic lover who was her heavenly husband. She was known to have had sexual relations with a couple of mortal men but cited her real teacher and liberator to be an Angel in male form who came to her at night.

Within the text that I was reading was a really interesting suggestion that religious criticism of women who wear makeup and dress in a sexually attractive way was not based solely around the 'temptation' of men but infact the real issue was the 'temptation' of Angels.

St James Park

Took the dog to St James Park this morning. There are security blocks being set up all over the place in time for the royal wedding. They should just go to Las Vegas like I did, why inconvenience everyone else with your personal life?  I saw two Magpies this morning - 2 for joy - hurray. I read my horoscope every day and then I check the lunar calendar, then I count Magpies in the park. Its my 3 fold security system.

Breakfast

Just coffee, ate way too much yesterday

English Summer

I spent yesterday in Potters Bar with 6 other people. Quite a culture shock having been alone for 3 weeks.

It was a good oportunity to top up my tan or at least stop it from fading any faster than it has to. Richard said I bet you never got your clothes off so fast, he was right of course.

We ate really healthy food all day

We drank cranberry sodas with mint leaves

I love food that looks exactly like what it is. Once someone has smashed it up and made it into some kind of sub division product I don't like it as much. Exceptions to this are cakes, humous and macaroons.

It could still happen

I am yet to have a day that was so good falling asleep wasn't the best bit

I'm on fire

Still listening to Springsteen, watching the rain ....

There goes the money ...

Richard just left his job. He emailed me. 'I quit - how are you? ' I am I like a Jewish housewife 'Ya Did Whaaaat Merve? ' Jesus there goes my little insurance policy. Still if anyone can throw himself out of a Park Avenue window and land on his feet its him.

Cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul

Dog wonder came home yesterday, I have mixed emotions (as ever) she is my loyalest supporter and a mightly pain in the neck at the same time. It had been brilliant to have a few weeks off all my obligations. No dog walks, no being hassled for food 24/7, no being woken up in the middle of the night to attend to her needs. Still I love my little flea bag and we have been together for 13 years now so worse case scenario its almost over.

We went on our favourite walk. Across Leicester Square, down Jermyn Street and into Green Park via a tunnel that runs behind the back of the Ritz Hotel.  The great thing about Chilli is that she is a real dog, many people who purchase very small breed dogs emasculate (the canine version I mean ) them by carrying them around in stupid bags and dressing them up. I would never abuse an animal in such a way personally I don't think that animals are animated accessories. My small dog has the heart of a Alsation, she can walk for miles, she fears nothing but shampoo, she will stand her ground against all comers.

I love Green Park, its a former plague pit and an area that used to be popular with highway men. We walk down the central path past the dog reservoir where they can drink then around the tip of the park and out onto Picadilly.

We cross Picadilly into Shepherds Market ( I could write a book about that area) and then wander through the back streets and on to Mount Street. This part of London reminds me of Paris, I adore it. We go past Lanvin whose designs I loathe, a real case of the Emperors new clothes I think. Past the perfumier Annick Goutal which I love. I have had a few perfumes from this store, its on my approved perfume list. I had one called Grand Amour which was fabulous and another wonderful one called Sur Soir Au Jamais  which means 'tonight or never' worth every penny for the name alone.

We walk past Scotts which I really like. My friend John takes me there sometimes, they do good fish and chips, very expensive but then its very hard to get good fish and chips in London, especially if you are used to Lancashire standards.

I picked up a box from out side a tobacco shop because the sign told me to. It feels very Alice In Wonderland (channelling Grace Slick) to follow the instructions.

I chose this really pretty one. On the back in says Hecho En Cuba, it doesn't really smell of cigars which is a shame I love the smell of cigars. We walked home across Berkeley Square and down Bruton Street and past the diamond shops on Old Bond Street. I don't ever want to be engaged or married again, I think wedding bands are like little handcuffs one on each person tying them together with invisible chains. I havn't been given much jewellery by men particularly but the thing is anytime the relationship ended I transferred the hatred into the rings and got rid of them.

I had a cute Tiffany Elsa Perreti silver and diamond  ring once. I was talking on the phone to a friend and she said 'I really want a Tiffany diamond'  so I posted it to her the next day. When I split from another man I went in the Catholic Church at Leicester Square, the one with the Jean Cocteau triptic. I used to pray there all the time (pray that he would fuck off) and when he finally did I put the engagement ring into the coin box by the statue of Mary and the wedding band into the coin box by the statue of Jesus. I would have given them both to Mary Magdalen had she had a collection box as she is my favourite Biblical character. Like a nun I have married myself to God.

Saying all that I wouldn't mind getting a Graff yellow diamond ring at some point.

Hey little girl is your daddy home?

I am listening to Bruce Springsteen singing I'm On Fire over and over. I love repetition, I will eat today what I ate yesterday because it tasted good. I will listen to this track all day long. My computer is crashing the whole time. I can't be without a computer its stressing me out. If it packs up I am going to Apple to buy another right away but it scares me firstly because then I would be totally broke and secondly I would have to learn a whole new operating system and the thought of that bothers me more than the money.

Into your arms

Ten hours in the peace of God. I dreamt about Jimmy Page, Robert Plant and Peter Saville. I need to meet Peter Saville I dream about him a lot.

I can give you all my dreams

I was just thinking about Vanessa Paradis and how much l like this love scene from the movie The Girl On The Bridge. Probably not a good idea to try this at home.

I feel so different

Any questions?

Breakfast

Not really, I try not to eat wheat, it's the Devils work, or if I eat wheat then I succumb to cake format. Just some visual evidence of my cooking skills ( note burnt bits )

I have Soy milk and banana (blended) at home

Little darling, its been a long cold lonely winter

I didn't wear make up in Miami either so it was nice to get back to my lipsticks. I have these two new ones for summer. Laque De Rose and Torrid Rose both by Terry. I don't really wear much other makeup, just Chanel Mascara and a bit of Estee Lauder Betterwear Lite foundation.

Love lifts us up

It feels good to be back in heels. I wore flat sandles and flip flops the whole time I was away so it took me a moment to get my balance back. What was unhelpful was that London Transport had decided without consulting me to cancell the option of changing from the Northern Line to Central Line at Tottenham Court Road. Getting over to Notting Hill last night was a little exhausting.

Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before, I know this room, I have walked this floor

Sleep

I slept in my own bed last night, it was wonderful. I heard my son come into the flat around 3 am. I woke in terror when I heard the door slam behind him, I didn't know where I was and I thought I was hearing someone entering the Miami flat where I was staying alone, it took my conciousness a moment to cross the continents.
I have been awake since then ........

You can't always get what you want

Sometimes you can though. I got this perfume for my birthday, its obscene! I didn't even take it on holiday I was so afraid of loosing it and it was the first thing I grabbed when I got back into my room that I had padlocked shut against teen intruders. Its called Absolue Pour Le Soir by Francis Kurkdijan, if  there was a better perfume I would know about it.

Straight to you

I got the bus to the airport from the top of 16th Street, I noticed that they had a service on my way to and from the beach. It cost $2.35 to get the bus or $35 in a taxi. I managed to drop my computer when I was dragging my case on the bus though so I have spent most of the day trying to make that work again.

I like the journey to and from Miami Airport. Richard and I tend to stay in the same streets wherever we are. If we are in New York we do the same things and eat in Orlin every night. If we are in London we go to Carluccios in Covent Garden every night and the same with Miami. If we try something new then we normally don't like it and go back to our usual place the next day. If we do something we do like, then that has to become another thing we do everyday. So I dont see much of Miami really. I just do the little things that we do over and over again, I feel very happy with that.  The bus gave me an opportunity to see a little more of South Beach which was nice.

We travelled over Biscayne Bay on the MacArthur Causeway. You get a good veiw of downtown Miami from here. On New Years Eve a friend drove us here to watch the fireworks in the bay it was really pretty.

I like looking at the world from the window of a bus. It reminds me of being a child, pressing my face against the glass. Blowing against the cool pane and drawing love hearts onto the condensation.

The whole journey takes about 30 minutes, its really simple. Next time I come I am going to get the bus to South Beach now I have got it all worked out like a native.