Edible flowers

According to Stella, they all are.

New Moon Spell

Stella and I went to Baldwins on The Walworth Road to collect incense and oils for our new moon spell yesterday. It is a really nice apothecary. My friend Roy told me that The Golden Dawn used to buy their incense from Baldwins. Not sure it that is true but the shop has been trading since the early nineteen hundreds so it might be.

I saw a little dog spirit in the incense smoke just like the one I saw before in the British Museum.

New flavours

Rather than bang on about how depressed I am I thought I would take a more stiff upper lip approach today and concentrate on performing a public service. Laduree have launched 4 new flavour macaroons this month so I thought it my civic duty to review the new arrivals.

Lemon & Thyme : Jess took me for sage tea once on the Goldbourne Road it was disgusting. Sage and Thyme remind me of Paxo stuffing. I quite like Paxo stuffing although I never make roast dinners or cook anything if I can help it but its an unfortunate association when it comes to delicate french patisserie. The lemon flavour is strong and tart but the after taste of thyme is clear and unsettling.  5/10

Chocolate from Madagascar : Rich chocolate taste, flavour a little like mouse, er mousse actually not at all like tiny rodent, crispy shell, heavy and substantial. Most macaroons are so light it can be like didn't really eat them, not in this case, if I ate 3 I would feel sick, feeling sick is how I know when to stop.  This is pretty good but I don't really like chocolate flavour macaroons. Definitely a good hit of chocolate for a choc emergency though. 6/10

Strawberry and Mint : Horrible, this tastes like eating cheap strawberry jam right after you have brushed your teeth. 3/10

Melon : Strong cantalope flavour a little bit bubble gum for me. Not crazy about this one either. 4/10

So all in all not impressed with new flavours, I prefer the classic Laduree flavours like, lemon, rose, coconut and red fruit.  At £6.40 for four little macaroons its probably best to stick with what you know like.

Park Life

Stella and I went on my favourite dog walk for the first time today. Our route was accross Trafalgar Square, on to The Mall. Into St James Park, walk all the way up the right hand side of the park, cross and then do a lap of Green Park and walk home via St James. It was always Chilli's favourite walk and we met many of her old friends this morning.

On way back up Jermyn Street I noticed that Floris were having  a sale so I treated myself to some Jasmin shower gel. I am practically hydrophobic at the moment so it will be handy to have something to tempt me into the suds. When I get a bit low emotionally as I have this past few weeks it often manifests as

• don't go
• don't answer it
• don't wash
• don't care

Stella is fighting to stay awake after her 2 mile run this morning.

Morning is not quiet as broken ...

Finally starting to cheer up after a couple of weeks of self obsessed misery. Waking up with a puppy is pure joy although I have to be on my guard for 'accidents' as soon as my feet hit the floor. I work in education, a world where the term 'fail' is discouraged largely because it results in a loss of fee's to the establishment. We no longer fail assignments we merely 'refer' them. Stella's house training was assessed under this criteria and this morning we had 2 passes and 2 referrals. Not bad.
Last night I went to a 'meditation' group that turned out to be a sales pitch for a process called 'Turning Point'. I have heard of a few of these types of courses, The Landmark, Hoffman and others. What they seem to have in common is that they are rather expensive and tend to suggest that we can 'heal our lives' over the course of a long weekend. The idea seems to be that you look at critical incidents in your past, recalling feelings and identify coping strategies that you put in place at the time. The point being that outmoded coping strategies developed by a hurt adolescent will become more problematic than the original incident in an adult. In principle I agree. In AA I have been taught to 'look at my part' question my belief and reactive systems, release being a victim and take a pro active approach to life. All this I do and yet I still spend quite a lot of time lying on the floor feeling terrible and not knowing what to do about it.
While I know of a number of people who have attended these seminars and view the experience positively I remain rather cynical and always find the people so unattractive.

Breakfast

This is the last thing I ate yesterday evening watching 2 downloads of True Blood. I liked it so much I made it again for breafast this morning.

JD Kelleher MTV News Tribute to Amy Winehouse July 2011

The above You Tube video is actually of my friend JD being caught on film outside the Winehouse residence following news of her death on Sunday. JD is the man who bought me Stella puppy, he is a most generous and loving freind to me. He is also a total ho, when he heard of Amy's death, knowing there would be cameras he topped up his spray tan, dressed indecently (they are filming chest up thankfully) and burnt rubber to Camden. The thing is , what he says and how he says it is absolute genius. I can only guess he practically threw himself at the camera man but he handles his moment on live TV brilliantly.  

The Devil Rides Out

Stella and I ventured out to Pheonix Gardens this morning. It's cold and damp and she was a bit shivery. I can't remember how long it takes to train a dog to walk on a lead but my feeling is that it could be a while. Progress rather than Perfection.

Breakfast

Lunch & Dinner

The cruel hand of fate

So I declare my mental health to be at (not an all time low as I am not actually sectioned) but low. The bottles of paracetamol scream 'take me' as I open the cupboard to find tea bags etc. Terribly bloody dreary. So here is what I feel compelled to do as I put off taking my own life for another 5 minutes. Having read my horoscopes hundreds of times, trying to wrestle hope where there appears to be none. I turn to the on line Yes & No oracle and torture myself with that for a while.
Does he love me? NO (damn)
Does he want to have sex with me? YES (fabulous)

It's a god awful small affair

I have black hair actually, very black since I have just come back from the hairdressers. I have been so depressed this week it's taken me by surprise. I didn't feel brilliant when I was in Miami but there is something wonderful about a blue sky that really helps support my moods. Of course here in London we have a Noahs Ark situation and grey thunderous skies. It has just about tipped me over the edge. The Bell Jar has come down. I am desperately trying to find the receipt for the gift I life I was given I feel like I would be better off exchanging it for something I actually want.

Aghori 1/6

Breakfast

Pineapple and Blueberries . Pineapple was bitter. Prefer Florida fruit. Food has been disasterous since I got home. I always overeat when I am tired, stressed, unhappy, around food, given the opportunity, awake etc.

Beauty without cruelty

I had an emergency Botox appointment yesterday. The Miami sunshine melted the last chemicals out of my head and before I knew it my face was totally mobile. Botox is Gods gift to women but actually having your face injected is not the most comfortable feeling in the world. My Dr has always used pain reducing gell and a spot freezing device but commited to the comfort of his patients he has now incorporated the use of a vibrator into the proceedings. He doesn't just hand it over and tell you 'this will take your mind of it'. His assistant presses it against your collar bone while he injects your face. The idea is that the vibrations send signals to your brain that over ride the pain signals. As mad as it sounds it actually works. The first time he used it he pressed it against my jaw and told me 'Now don't go opening your mouth!'

The best things in life are free

I popped into a product party for French Cosmetic Company Darphin and Aveda this evening. It was held at the Covent Garden Hotel where Richard always used to stay. They held the event a suite in the hotel which was lovely, I just wanted to send every one away and hop into bed.  The suite costs a mere £2995 per night so I might go back sometime and try those pillows for size.

We were given blow dry's and told all about Aveda products which I actually use anyway and then in the other room they dabbed our hands with the Darphin facial care range which smelt amazing.

When the girl asked what products I was interested in I said anything that says the word 'damaged' usually attracts my attention. We had little tiny cones of fish and chips and bits of fried stuff and tiny ice creams and chocolate brownies as well. Probably about 2000 calories in tiny bite size pieces a dietary disaster but delicious anyway.

A star is born

Or she was on 14th April. Here is my new dog Stella, she is pictured next to remote control panel for the purposes of scale, like where they sail out next to whales on boats with metre rules. She came home for a sleep over on Monday night. She was very good but a little on the leaky side.  House training is a priority just as soon as she can go out which won't be until she has had her jabs on Wednesday.

Nice and easy does it

I am edging backwards into normal life. I don't want to put myself into some kind of toxic shock situation so I left my mail unopened and accepted an invitation to go to Shoreditch House on Monday morning.  4500 miles from beach towel to sun lounger. It was actually really very warm on Monday and I had the added bonus of being the brownest person by the pool. It was a gentle re introduction back into my London life not that I really have a life which is the next problem I need to sort out. I feel better when I am horizontal at the moment it's all a bit much.

House of cards

Arrived home exhausted on Sunday morning. Things seemed even more messy than they were when I left them if that were possible. I felt like I was between two places neither of which I wanted to be in. I am horrible when I am tired. Nothing is right. I am incapable of being pleasant or optimistic. I went over to Baker Street to meet the new dog which cheered me up a bit. Then hopped into my own bed and slept for 12 hours which cheered me up a whole lot more.